When I Look to the Sky
by JoLeigh
Summary: At the cemetary a year after Janet's death, Sam looks at how all of their lives have changed since she passed. Heroes pt2 spoilers Please read and review...


**When I Look to the Sky**

By JoLeigh

The cold air filled my lungs as my heeled shoes fell through the few inches of fluffy snow that lay on the cemetery road.  The overcast sky topped off one of the bleakest days I've ever known in my life.  It was bad enough that every song I heard on the radio on the way here reminded me of Janet and how much we meant to each other and the good times we've had.  For today was a day to look back at the past year and see how much we've moved on without her.  Although there is this place in my heart that still keeps her close, I still have to live with the fact that we can't make any more memories.  Our group of friends can no longer keep building onto that relationship we had with her.  By this time I've gotten used to having no one to really talk to.  I think my age is finally showing too.  Being around her made me feel like a little kid at times.  I haven't had that ability to act like that lately.  She showed happiness everywhere she went, and unfortunately it hasn't shown much through me since she's been gone.  I miss a lot of things that she brought to all of our lives.  More importantly, I miss her; I have missed her, and will always miss her.

I break my gaze at the cemetery barren with snow and close the car door gently.  For some reason I feel like if I wasn't gentle, I would wake up every resting soul in the cemetery.  I see a group of people out of the corner of my eye, which instantly makes me look up and over the car.  My family is there.  Teal'c, Daniel, Jack, and Cassie are all standing around Janet's grave in the near distance.  These are the only family that I've been close to.  My dad hasn't come to visit in ages and I don't know where the hell he is.  I have to assure myself he is holding up okay and what he's doing is for the good of the universe.  I wish he was here, but I have come to realize there are a lot of setbacks in life.  I don't get what I want when I want it.  Jack still isn't mine forever.  I have come to live with this all as I have grown older and thought about my life.

As I make my way around my car, I hear bagpipes playing Amazing Grace.  Their sounds are slowly fading off into the distance as I continue walking to the grave.  I realize what I heard was only in my head.  My mind was trying to conjure up the memories of that funeral service for my closest friend that had fallen.  With a black wool glove, I wipe another tear from my cheek as I proceed to join my family.  With each step I take I think about Janet and all the soldiers who gave their lives selflessly.  Without them we wouldn't even be here today.  They've all affected our lives in more ways than one.  Words cannot express how much they've done for us and how much they sacrificed for the good of the country.

I approach the group with caution.  I lightly touch Cassie's shoulder.  She takes notice as she slowly turns around.  As I take notice of her tear-filled eyes, she tightly embraces me and cries into my shoulder.

She sniffles.  "I miss her so much, Sam," she cries quietly into my ear.

"I know, I know, Cassie.  I do too.  It's almost as if it were yesterday," I quietly say as we bury our heads into each other's shoulders.  We hug for what seemed like forever.  As Janet's closest friends we have this understanding between us.  It's difficult to explain in words.  Janet, Cassie, and I have spent so much time together.  Janet took care of Cassie, but it was more like a joint-custody relationship.  I would always spend time with them when I was off the base.  After Janet died, I have no idea how Cassie would've taken it.  This has been the second mother she has lost.  I'm glad I am here.  Cassie couldn't have pulled through this if she didn't have someone to talk to.

We finally let go of each other.  Daniel was right next to her.  He gave me the hug from him that I missed the day she died.  He had a lot on his mind that day, though.  He was right beside her when she died.  It even got on tape.  He was so torn up about it, he thought about resigning.  It was just too much to handle.  Then that jackass came to do some god-damned investigations.  If Daniel had the will power and the desire to hear what he truly felt be put on tape, it wouldn't have been appropriate to hear and recite.  He probably wouldn't be here today.

Right next to Daniel stands Teal'c.  Teal'c is the stoic warrior that we've come to know and love.  He is a strong warrior and fighter, but yet his hugs are so gentle.  Teal'c always knew how to handle his emotions.  He truly is a model warrior, just look for him beside the G.I. Joes soon.  On a more serious note, Teal'c has brought us what we couldn't bring to our world by ourselves.  He's still adapting to life on Earth, but he's doing a pretty good job of it.

We break our hug and I walk over to Jack.  I greet him with a faint smile.  He greets me with one of his loving bear hugs.  You can feel the protection he gives while being held in his embrace.  He has been a great deal of support for me.  I almost lost him that day as well.  It nearly tore me apart.  I never really told him how I felt about him.  The scariest time was when I was waiting to see if Jack and Janet would pull through.  If Jack died I would go on in life and he would never know how I really truly felt about him.  I did love him, at least for a short time.  He's like one of those actors that the teenage girls go crazy over.  I was one of those teenage girls pining for some actor that I couldn't get near.  It was nearly impossible for a number of reasons.  There was one big reason though, our job which forbids any fraternizing and whatnot.  I forget the exact details.  See what is happening?  I'm forgetting things now.  There is a shred of hope for us.  It might be awhile.  Depends on how long it takes us to save the world.  For now I wait, I live my life.  If nothing works out, then I know it was meant to be.  That is what I told him.  We both understand.

He leaves his arm around my shoulders as I face the grave.  I look down as I remember the pink carnation, her favorite flower.   I had the stem rolling between my fingertips for the past few minutes.  I make my way to the headstone and place the carnation in front of it.  I walk back to my previous position as Jack puts his arm around me once again.  I look out of the corner of my eye to see Daniel with his arm around Cassie.  Teal'c grabs my hand as well as Cassie's.  I think of this amazing bond between us.  Janet was just a much a part of it as each of us.  I remember all the good times we've had.  We had a number of them.  We have gone through so much hell these past years.  It's wonderful we had Janet in our lives to keep us sane.  She saved us and spent so much time with us.  As we stand here, we remember her for the person she was.  She was a mother, friend, healer, and lifesaver.  Our lives would never be the same without her.  We keep her in our hearts forever.  Janet Fraiser, may you rest in peace.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N:  After watching two funerals in one day, it inspired me to write this.  My tribute to Janet Fraiser.  I hope you enjoyed this.

_When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me, and you make everything alright when you are near. _- Train


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